Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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