MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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