I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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