I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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