He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't deserve a penis
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
