sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Pants are for mortals
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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