I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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