he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
