Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
