Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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