Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
