I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
