And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
