Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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