You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I supernannyed him into submission
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
