oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
