glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You pole danced in your parka.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
