remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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