you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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