My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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