Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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