she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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