I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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