Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
