he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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