also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize