Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
