Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize