theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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