That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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