Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Couch. On fire.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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