yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
