If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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