I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
