You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
