I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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