dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
