I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
