I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize