I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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