Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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