Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Come share oat with me in your robe
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
