it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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