there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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