Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize