The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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