Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
