Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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