There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
