I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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