Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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