I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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