Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
