ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Last time i carry you out of a forest
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
