just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
