Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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