You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She told me I should be a condom model.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Randomize
