So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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