I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
