I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
